Over the past decade as a book coach, I've been asked this question countless times: What should I share and what shouldn't I share?
If there’s one useful thing we can glean from the recent global hysteria around Kate Middleton’s apparent disappearance is the power of omission to create tension and intrigue in a story. Whether they intended to or not, the Royal’s decision to omit this part of her story from the general public fanned the flames of intrigue, and conspiracy. Even people who generally rarely if ever ponder the Royals, were sucked into this story with delight, puzzlement, and some true concern. Outlets ranging from TikTok to Hello to The New York Times, CNN, and The Independent gave this story headline treatment.
How does this relate to your personal story?
Whether you are writing a personal story that stems from a vulnerable, tender, or traumatic experience, or writing to expand upon your work or expertise, chances are your writing will include personal anecdotes about your life and observations about other people. At one point or another, you will need to grapple with how it will feel to share these stories in public, and also whether or not you want to–or even if it’s your right to share these stories.
There are good reasons to omit certain details from your story when sharing, yes to create tension and stoke curiosity but also to protect your privacy for meaningful reasons.
So, how do you decide what to share and what not to share?
Ask your body, and ask trusted friends.
You can’t do this alone, especially when you’re dealing with sensitive content, like grief, trauma, or any tender feelings. You, as the writer, like the Royal Family, might not be the most trustworthy or reliable judge of what to share.
When you’re sharing work, you’re influenced by a million different factors—ambition, prestige, expression, craft, other people’s validation—and not the least of them is your nervous system. When you are writing and sharing your stories, your nervous system gets involved and will color your judgment.
Your nervous system reacts to our stories in different ways when it’s not ready to share—hiding, covering, silencing, and sometimes making the stories feel urgent. Your nervous system is like wearing a pair of glasses that shades everything you see, putting the world in a certain shade and also in and out of focus. Sometimes these signs are easy to read, and sometimes they are more difficult to discern.
When you are activated, your nervous system will tell you that your story is urgent. It will likely feel like you need to share your story now as if you’re tossing a hot potato. Because of developments in technology, it’s increasingly easy to share a story right then and there; it’s as easy as tapping a button. However, most of the time, these stories are not quite ready for public consumption. Most of the time, this feeling of urgency is your body telling you you are activated, and in hyperarousaal and not ready to share.
When a story is truly ready to be shared it won’t feel urgent, like time is running out. It will feel steady, spacious, confident, and warm, very much like how you might feel when you are relaxing in a safe place. Even important, provocative, timely, and controversial stories won’t feel urgent, instead, they will feel important and ready to stand on their own two feet when you are ready to share them (instead of like something you are trying to get rid of).
Historically, traditional publishing allowed for many checks and balances between that initial impulse and public scrutiny. Without those editorial stages in place, we need to find ways to pause on our own. Navigating the realm of professional standards and guidelines often boils down to staying authentic to yourself. It's not just about mastering the craft; it's about grappling with moral, ethical, and practical considerations. This aspect of personal writing is essential but can feel ambiguous and challenging at every stage of creation.
So how do you decipher between all of these confusing internal messages? This is when the presence of a trustworthy and reliable reader and community becomes so important.
Some guidelines for checking to see if a story is ready to be shared.
Listen to Your Story: Pause and ask your story if it wants to be shared. Remember, a story is only a gift if it yearns to be told. Honor its voice and timing.
Engage Your Inner Editor: Tune into your body's feedback. Notice any sensations or tensions that signal vulnerability or urge you to pause. Let your intuition guide you through the editing process.
Seek Trusted Readers: Learn from the wisdom of others. Consult with trusted mentors, therapists, or loved ones to gauge if you're emotionally prepared to share your story.
Mind the Medium: Consider the format you're using to share your tender narrative. As Tarana Burke, founder of the MeToo movement, wisely remarked, "Social media is not a safe place." Choose platforms and settings that prioritize your well-being and authenticity.
Assess Your Healing: Reflect on whether you've fully healed from the experience you're about to recount. Sharing your story can be cathartic, but ensure you're emotionally equipped to do so.
Remember, storytelling is a sacred act of connection and healing. Approach it with gentleness, mindfulness, and an unwavering commitment to your own well-being.
I look forward to hearing from you - what are the challenges that come up for you when sharing work?
Warmly,
Lisa
Great essay Lisa. Your comments and guidance are spot on. Our bodies are a great source of wisdom to pause and tap into. Thank you for this sacred reminder.
This is such a great post, full of truly expert advice. Thank you for this care and articulation!